I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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