my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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