How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I think I won the penis lottery.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
