I could make wine with my vomit
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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