Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
