you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
