I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
