For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
