he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
