She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
