White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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