I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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