You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
