News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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