my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
