my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
