I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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