As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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