Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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