you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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