Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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