we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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