Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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