You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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