By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think I died a long time ago.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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