My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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