yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
