I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Randomize
