Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
