I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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