her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
