you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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