well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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