I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
