Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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