John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
