FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Let's paint friendship bongs
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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