Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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