sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
