Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
