he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
