I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
