Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
