I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
