yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
