Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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