If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
