Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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