from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
