He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
