I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
