why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
