maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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