You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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