This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
