there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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