How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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