yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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