I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
